The discipline divide

MAYBE MOM doesn't think breaking curfew once is a big deal, but Dad is hopping mad and ready to do some grounding. Or Dad is known to let a child slide on finishing homework while Mom not only wants all assignments done on time but re-done until they're totally correct and neatly written.

From early toddlerhood to the late teenage years, disagreements over how to discipline a child are very normal, especially with first children, parenting experts and pediatricians say. The potential hot spots are almost endless: potty training and bedtime, time-outs versus spanking, homework and chores, cursing and backtalk, curfew and driving, drinking and sex.

The challenge for parents is to present a united front and clear boundaries whenever possible, even if they come in with very different ideas on discipline. That takes planning, respect, compromise and the ability to pick battles based on an understanding of what each parent feels strongly about.

"It's very important to remain supportive of one another as we raise children," said Dr. Saira Ahsan, a pediatrician with Sentara Pediatric Physicians in Williamsburg. "We have partners in this process because it takes the thinking, energy and commitment of both parents to raise well-mannered and well-rounded children."

Opinions on how to discipline children often stem from each parent's own experiences as a child, said Sharon Silverberg, a licensed professional counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist with Rising Tide Therapy in Virginia Beach. Parents know what they want to repeat and what they want to do differently with their own kids, but that doesn't mean their spouses automatically understand.

"Most people who have kids together didn't know each other growing up, so they may not have a good perspective on how the other was raised and where they are coming from," Silverberg said. "You need to have conversations to open that door. You can't start doing that too early - as soon as a pregnancy happens, or maybe even sooner."

To avoid surprises, parents can identify specific behaviors important to each, whether it's getting good grades, keeping a clean room, eating healthy foods, limiting screen time or something else. They also can agree on absolutely non-negotiable issues and values, which usually include safety, education, respect and honesty.

Silverberg suggests parents take situations in other families that they read about, see on television or encounter in their lives and talk about what they'd do if something similar happened with their kids. "You don't want to just wait until something big happens and you're in crisis mode," she said.

Give-and-take is crucial, even though that can be difficult depending on the personality of each parent, said Amy Behm, Education Director for the Downtown Hampton Child Development Center (DHCDC).

"Parents must be able to compromise with each other and recognize that what each parent has to say is important," she said. "It can be helpful for each parent to write down their thoughts on a particular issue and then come together to read and discuss them, with the idea that a compromise might be the best solution. It is important to focus attention on the problem, not the participants."

In many families, one parent tends to be more lenient than the other. That's not a problem unless the two refuse to compromise, agree to a consequence but don't enforce it when one parent isn't around or, perhaps worst of all, fall into the roles of "good" and "bad" cop, Silverberg said.

"For example, you don't ever want Dad saying, 'Well, I would be OK with you staying up later, but your mother says you need to go to bed,'" she said. "That kind of thing is very unhealthy for both the kids and the parents. You don't ever want the kids to think there's a division - that they can go to Dad on this one or Mom on that one to get what they want."

One parent also shouldn't have to shoulder an unfair share of the discipline, she added. Even if one person is around the child more - and therefore in a position to punish more often - the other needs to support those decisions and step in when he or she is home. So if Dad has to handle homework every weekday while Mom works, then she is responsible for making sure the child studies and does chores over the weekend. "Otherwise, that first parent is going to feel very resentful," Silverberg said.

If one parent has already imposed a punishment that the other thinks is too harsh, they could still decide to change it. However, the best person to break the news is the person who first set the punishment, Ahsan said. So if Mom grounded her son for two weeks but later compromised on a week after a parental conference, she should be the one to tell the child.

"This is a technique that will allow both parents to be supportive of one another and will not appear as if one parent is overriding the other," Ahsan said.

As a parent, Behm tended to be less strict with her two now-grown boys than her husband. She remembers times they didn't agree, especially during the teenage years (driving curfew was one particular sticking point). They would have discussions privately, agree on a compromise and actually put it in writing before discussing it with one of their kids. "Try to remain calm and try to listen and understand each other," she said.

Applying the rules consistently is the next hurdle - although that doesn't mean throwing flexibility out the door. "Obviously with any set of rules, there may be times when there is an exception or they may need to be revised," Behm said.

One common problem with consistency is parents breaking their own rules because they feel guilty about some dynamic in the family, said Jaynelle Oehler, Executive Director of the DHCDC. A working parent, for example, might feel terrible about getting home late and missing time with the kids, and then compensate by not enforcing a regular bedtime.

"This causes problems later for both the parent and child, when the parent decides to put the child to bed earlier - at his regular bedtime," Oehler said. "Inconsistency is very confusing for young children."

In general, experts agree that discussions about discipline should occur away from at least younger children, who are good at picking up even subtle clues that their parents aren't on the same page. While listening to kids is always important, discussing or debating punishments in front of them can lead to big trouble if they see openings to argue and negotiate, Silverberg said.

"If there's room for wiggle room, then there's room for manipulation or playing one parent off the other," she said. "I'm a big fan of no wiggle room - of setting very clear boundaries. Children don't have to know all the work that goes into parenting. They don't need to be involved in the process. To me, most conversations about parenting should be considered adult conversations."

However, older children may benefit from watching parents have a healthy debate or discussion while still showing respect to each other, Ahsan said. That means no name-calling, bullying, screaming, cold shoulders or other bad behavior.

Whether in or out of earshot of the kids, "I" statements tend to be more effective than more accusing "you" ones, she said. For example: "I feel so nervous when the kids play on the stairs. I'm afraid they will get hurt, so can we work together to explain that to them?" instead of "Why do you always let the kids get away with playing on the stairs? Why don't you ever do anything to control them?"

"I try to talk to my spouse the way I'd talk with a trusted colleague during a point of disagreement," Ahsan said. "In this way, I always continue to show that person respect and at the same time, make my case in a credible way. Getting personal with a statement beginning with 'you' will not likely lead to productive discussion." (Tip: Having the discussion in a public place such as a restaurant also can keep any tempers under control).

Although some parents like to let kids have a voice in their punishment - "What do you think should happen to you?" - Silverberg cautions against giving a child too large a role. "Obviously it depends on the child, the age and the situation, but in general I'd say if you ever give a child a choice, make it between two consequences," she said. "Don't leave it open-ended for them to decide."

Children actually like strong leadership from their parents, she said: "Kids need to feel safe, especially when they're little. Subconsciously, they know that their parents are making good decisions for them. They know what the consequences are for certain behaviors. It is a real feeling of security for them."

Some disagreements are easy to resolve. If one parent favors an 11 p.m. curfew and the other would rather go with 10 p.m., 10:30 is a logical compromise. So is 10 p.m. one year with an agreement to try 11 p.m. the next year, assuming the teenager has behaved well and respected the rule.

But what if parents simply can't agree? Take a big issue such as spanking - what happens if one wants to spank and the other doesn't? Experts suggest doing research together to learn pros and cons and, if wanted, seeking outside opinions from grandparents, friends, teachers, pediatricians, ministers, family counselors or other trusted sources. Just don't let a problem fester for too long.

"Standing discord about issues will cause confusion with children," Ahsan said. "A child could easily be put in a position of picking sides, and that's not healthy."

Agreeing on discipline also can get much trickier if parents are divorced or separated, Oehler said. "The child gets caught in the middle and often does not understand the issues and reasons for the conflict," she said. "Divorced parents need to strive very hard to communicate with each other for the sake and well being of their children."

Finally, parents shouldn't punish themselves too harshly for their inevitable missteps.

"Even the best parents are not perfect and that mistakes are a natural part of parenting," Behm said. "If you can remember to communicate and compromise and be fairly consistent, you will be practicing good parenting."

Source: Tidewater Parent Magazine